BP Type II

Should I get treatment?

In response to Lathan's question, yes, you should shine light on it.  Now, if your career is in question you keep it confidential, HIPPA regs pretty much guarantee your privacy.  If anyone discloses the illness without your consent, you've just been handed a very lucrative lawsuit!  If you are in a job where mental health can literally get you fired or removed from duty (if you have to carry a gun or otherwise be armed for instance) I suggest you quietly get an evaluation at your own expense (don't turn it in to insurance) and see what the extent of your illness is.  By paying for it yourself you can be sure no one will ever know.  Once you have the results, then you can make a better decision.

The Christmas Party

We hosted a Christmas party with way too many guests tonight.  All in all it was a rousing success.  There were 9 families at our house and I think everyone had a nice time.  There was just one incident.  I'm not sure if it was BP or just the natural reaction of a father, let me explain. . .

When did I accept my diagnosis?

I was asked recently when I accepted the fact I was BP.  It was only relatively recently.  I was first diagnosed when I was 14 sometime in 1986 or 87.  I was treated with tri-cyclic anti-depressants.  It's since been found that in some BPs these ADs can actually cause rapid cycling, and increase the frequency of cycles for those who are already rapid cycling.  I apparently was one of the lucky ones in this category, and my cycles really took off as I started high school.

Following this experience, I really lost faith in the medical profession as a whole.  and for the next 17 years if I was feeling particularly down, I'd go manipulate a doc to give me ADs and then go on my merry way seemingly "cured."  This pattern continued for those 17 years.

Thanks for the comments

I want to thank everyone, the reader stats are starting to pick up and I am starting to get comments on a somewhat regular basis.  It makes the BLOG much easier to maintain when you know that others are actually reading it.

In numerous e-mails and comments I have been asked for advice on dealing with BP by diagnosed BPs and their spouses.  My main advice will sound trite, but it's true, not following it stopped me from having a full life for 17 years, so here it is:  ADMIT YOU (or your spouse) HAVE BP.  The diagnosis is yours (or theirs) to keep, it's an integral part of a BP individual's existence.

Insecurity

Well, here's a bonus post for the day.

I am starting off the work day and I'm really having trouble getting going. I keep having starts and fits of old thought patterns. Beating myself up over things I did and raging against people for things they did in the past. I'm afraid of loosing all the progress I've made so far.

Trying to come to terms with your past is painful. But coming to terms with the pain you've caused others hurts even more. I don't understand why I've done the things I have or why I continue to have certain feelings. All I know for sure is that through my actions, and through holding on to past hurts I've really hurt people close to me and I've really hurt myself.

Thoughts on suicide

One of the less pleasant aspects of my BP manifests itself in a fixation on the idea of killing myself. Unfortunately I experience these thoughts in both my depressed and manic states. I've included links to two sites I've found useful to try and shake myself from these thoughts. The first is the best; however it has some cheesy music, so you might want to turn the speakers down before you visit it:

http://www.bipolarworld.net/Suicide/suwallhome.htm
http://www.suicidememorialwall.com/

Most don't think of it, but BP is a disease which has a high mortality rate. Over 15% of us kill ourselves by direct action. This stat doesn't include those who die accidentally or through unhealthy lifestyles brought on by the illness (I self medicated with alcohol for a long time).

Am I self involved, or what?

The blog is getting more hits than I expected. So let me apologize for how self indulgent it is. I am using this almost like a diary, but I never write in paper journals, so here it is. Plus I thought it might interest someone to see what BP is like on a daily basis. So if this is just nothing more that narcisitic self reflection, I apologize. However, I think that's what I need right now.

BP has its good moments, but most of the time it sucks. I was chatting with a mental health professional who told me if they had to choose between being BP or schizophrenia they's choose to be schizophrenic. The reasoning being a schizophrenic eventually ends up in their own world, in a sort of self contained existence and has no idea they are sick. A BP on the other hand is always aware and freaked out that their thinking isn't quite right, and they are always having to concentrate on what thoughtsare real and what are chemically driven.

I can't say I disagree with them on that. Once you acknowledge there's something wrong in the brain, it really messes with you.

Mourning mania

In speaking with my wife this evening I realized that if my medication actually works I will never experience hypomania again. There are two sides to BP, and if you are one of the people who don't experience psychotic episodes during mania, mania can actually be quite nice.

When I am manic I feel as if everything I know, everything I've ever learned and every single fact, memory or emotion is available for me. Even though I'm not, I feel as if I am the most intelligent person who ever lived. More importantly I don't need sleep, or I only need a very small amount.

In a week I only need to sleep 5-8 hours. This mean I can get by with nearly 50 hours less sleep than normal people. To put that in perspective it means that I get 9 days of living during the time taht others get 7.

Mania actually feels wonderful, that is while your manic. While it feels good, mania also has a dark side, your judgment is impaired, you take risks, and you tend to make financially ruinous decisions. . . .

Self actualization

I finally accepted my diagnosis several months ago, I'm still really pissed about it though. I hate what it does to me sometimes and how its made me treat people in the past. I have at times been the most devoted husband/friend/family memeber you could ever want, and sometimes been a nightmare just to know.

I am trying everything to fight the illness now. I've given up drinking, caffine, processed sugar, partially hydrogenated oils (pretty much all junk food). I am loading up on Omega-3 fatty acids, eating more fish, working out 6 times a week. I am not sure if the lifestyle changes are helping, but hey, I'm within 6 pounds of my weight when i graduated from high school. How many 31 year olds can say that.

I think I am doing better, but the doubts still creep in.. . .