I think I am making sense of some long term issues that I didn't realized were tied so closely to my illness. To be BP is to possess a wonder lust that strikes every so often and at times feels almost impossible to resist. I've been out of school since December of 1997. In that time I've had 4 jobs (about one every two years). I haven't been fired, it's just that after a little less than two years I've been overcome by a nearly compulsive need to change jobs. To work some place new because I believe it wile solve all my problems.
Well, I am opening my own business soon, then I guess I'll be stuck and hopefully my need to wonder won't be quite so pronounced. We will see, but I somehow think that this may be my final stop on this road.
My need for change goes back as far as I can remember. As a child I never had one group of friends or even one best friend. I always had several groups and best friend that I would be close to for a few months at a time, then move onto another group and a different best friend.
This pattern continued through college and I believe it is the reason that I've been haunted by inconsequential issues for over a decade. I'd been in my fraternity for about two years when I think I was hit by the wonder lust one more time. I think my brain responded to this by elevating a non-event into a deep betrayal. I became embittered and almost unable to even be at the House anymore. I developed a new set of friends, and moved on.
Unfortunately, it has taken me over a decade to realize what happened. During this time I've worn deep grooves in my mind and developed habitual thought patterns regarding the whole thing. It is starting to hurt less, and I'm becoming less apt to think about the whole matter.
Well, I guess this will work for my deep thought of the day. Hopefully, it was satisfying for all.
i think i know what you mean. at times i'll make a new friend, and at first it will be intense. after several weeks/months, i get tired of them or find something about them that annoys me, then i distance myself. i end feeling like a complete jerk, which only reinforces my low opinion of myself. the real reason i withdraw is probably because i feel like i'm not good enough to be their friend. probably why i have many acquaintances but few close friends.
Posted by: barb | February 02, 2005 at 12:10 PM
Try Ultram. It helps keep me stable. I am bipolar ll.
Posted by: mark | August 10, 2005 at 05:40 PM