Daily Log 12/30/04

Well, 2004 is almost over, and good riddance.  The year has been a good one as far as my finally accepting my BP and taking steps to fight it.  But that was less than half of the year.  I spent a large portion of the year obsessed with past mistakes (one in particular) and fixated on the idea of killing myself.  Even with the progress I've made, I don't ever want to go through all of this again.

I am looking forward to 2005, I intend for it to be the first year in which I have control of my life and actions for the entire year.  I don't know if I can pull that off, but I'm going to try.  I can't believe how long I just pretended like nothing was wrong.  It's amazing that I didn't kill my self either intentionally or through reckless behavior.  I am really glad I didn't.

I was so crazy I tried to leave my wife (the person who has done more to support me than any other human on the planet).  I can't believe how stupid and selfish that would have been or that I seriously considered it.  I almost did the same thing to my kids that my dad did to me, and I actually had it rationalized so that it was in their best interest.

Still, I feel good about 2005.  between the drugs, therapy, working out, diet and BLOGGING I think I've come up with quite a few tools to combat this thing.  Oh, and I've lost about 50 pounds, that's always a bonus.

Comments

[Kate]

Hi John,

I'm glad to know you continue to do well. It is never easy to let go off past mistakes, especially when you see how they adversely affect your present. But in order to move on you must forgive yourself - that doesn't mean forget (you don't want to make the same mistakes twice), it means looking to the future and all the promise it holds but reminding yourself every now and again what can happen if you take your eyes off the prize.

Very best to you and your family in 2005 - may stability reign supreme!!!!!

Kate

[Judy]

Happy New Year to you and yours.

It seems you have come quite a way this year.Many steps forward.
Acknowledgement and acceptance of an illness has to be a major step forward.
I hope that you can become stronger and stronger in your fight against bipolar.
In some ways it is so predictable but in others it's so sneaky.
I know that you can put up a good fight and lick it on many fronts.
The enemy has tactics but so have you!
When I read of the things you had thought of doing in your 'uninformed' life,I think to myself....that is bipolar, not John.
So I really hope that you can get the strategies and game plan in place and have a good go at defeating this enemy!
I'm on your side.
Judy

[thyroid]

for all those concern with BP there is a new discovery that might be an actual breakthrough, and it is not atural that none has suspeted its cure propeties and remedy vaue. sure that pharmaceuticals will not like it and would deny the the potential of these discoveries. I talking about iodine. much of iodine properties are in fish and sea food but the most in ocean plants of diferent kind. availablity of it is vertually endless theefore would be very cheap when will hit the market but effectiveness seems to be somewhat miraclous.
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