Merry Christmas everyone, and here's hoping a stable holiday season for you.
I've had the chance to take stock of my life this Christmas, and all in all I am happy to report that it is pretty good. I still have the BP battle to fight for the rest of my life but now I know why I am fighting it. I am fighting it for me, for my wife and for my two little boys. The fight is worth it, and it's one that I am capable of fighting. These are things that I didn't know six months ago. This new knowledge in and of itself is reason to be thankful.
Christmas hasn't been completely wonderful unfortunately. My grandfather is dying. He's had a lot of health problems over the last 5 years, but now it seems that his body is just shutting down. Thankfully he isn't in pain, but he's so weak he can barely handle a 10 minute conversation, and he gets confused pretty easily.
The thought of loosing my grandfather is especially painful for me, because he isn't just my grandfather, in a way he's my father too. My dad cut out on us before I turned 2. After that my mom moved us back to her home state to be near my grandparents so she'd have help with us while she finished her degree and got started as a teacher.
Consequently, I was raised by my mom, grandmother and grandfather. My grandfather is more of a dad to me than my biological father is or ever has been. The thought of loosing him is painful. I've been mourning his passing, but I have also been trying to discern whether I am feeling appropriate pain for him, or if I am falling into depression. I am pretty sure that I am only experiencing an appropriate reaction to a very sad situation, I don't think my BP has anything to do with it.
I've found one positive in all of it though. I told my grandfather exactly how I feel, how much he means to me, and how much I am going to miss him. Whenever his time comes, I know that he will know just how much i appreciated him, and how thankful I am to have had him in my life. I don't think there is anything left unsaid. That gives me a certain amount of peace, I hope that it helps him too.
I am still trying to get used to my stability. I can't shake the feeling that it's only temporary, that somethings going to com in and throw everything off balance and send me on another ride. I don't think it will happen, but I can't shake the feeling of vulnerability. Hopefully it will keep me vigilant.
Oh, on a lighter note, my wife's and my families haven't just exchanged gifts this year. We've exchanged a special gift that keeps on giving, the stomach flu. It seems we've all been taking turns dealing with all of the associated maladies that come along with the illness. Luckily my kids got sick first and they were both well in time for playing with their various gifts on Christmas morning. Also, my brother-in-law and I had time to watch the special extended DVD of "The Return of the King" during a quite time in the day's festivities (it was an excellent gift given to me by my loving wife).
All in all, it isn't too bad a Christmas. I wish my granddad wasn't sick, and I wish I wasn't BP and that I wasn't analyzing my emotional health through a BLOG posting on Christmas say, but still, life's not too bad. I really hope everyone else is having a good Christmas too. Merry Christmas and good night.
Excellent blog. You've created a brilliant niche subject. I'll be sure to come back often to see the latest in your dealings and triumphs with and over BP. Great Job!
Posted by: Dan Cundiff | December 26, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Hi John,
Signing in from the other side of the Atlantic, anxious to hear how things are with you.
Glad for you that you are doing good, sad though, for you, about your grandfather.However, it is good that you have time to say all that you want to say and in the days ahead that will mean so much to you. It will have been a real joy to your grandfather even though he may not be able to express how he feels. I am glad that you were able to do that.
Thanks for taking the time to write and Know that you are in my thoughts.
Posted by: Judy | December 28, 2004 at 05:09 PM
wishing a stable holiday is a by far more important for people with special ondition then any other wishes combined, also I must admit that you got a lot of wit and entusiasm to carry forward regardless... as if it did not exist or and have not influence whatsoever. many thanks.
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