Insecurity

Well, here's a bonus post for the day.

I am starting off the work day and I'm really having trouble getting going. I keep having starts and fits of old thought patterns. Beating myself up over things I did and raging against people for things they did in the past. I'm afraid of loosing all the progress I've made so far.

Trying to come to terms with your past is painful. But coming to terms with the pain you've caused others hurts even more. I don't understand why I've done the things I have or why I continue to have certain feelings. All I know for sure is that through my actions, and through holding on to past hurts I've really hurt people close to me and I've really hurt myself.

Part of me has been locked in time. Going back to a painful moment that happened 13 years ago, and reliving it over and over. My rational brain realizes why these thoughts occur. They recur because of three strong components. First, the chemicals in my brain are screwed up, therefore I don't always get to think about what I want to and instead focus on extremely painful memories which coincide with feelings of depression or manic rage. Second, my dad screwed me up pretty good when he cut out before I turned 2. I over identified with fraternity "brothers" as true family members, and when one betrayed another (at least as I perceived it) I took it as a family member betraying my trust. Finally, I have been locked in this thought pattern for 13 years, and if I don't concentrate, i fall back into it.

The worst part of it all is its cuts me off from reality, from my wife and from my family. When I get locked in these thought patterns I cause my wife tremendous pain, pain at least equal to what I feel. Right now I fell like my head might explode, and I don't like the sensation. These thoughts (this obsession) has cost me a great deal. I've isolated myself from close friends, I've cut myself off from my family at times, and I've lost 1000's of hours of my life stewing over something I can't change.

Every time I go through a manic/depressed cycle they come, and they stay for months. I am just now starting to put them behind me since they began sometime in June or July. I don't want to ever feel them again. But I am aware that I probably will, so I am trying to learn to deal with them as best as I can. It hurts so much sometimes though, I don't want to deal with them, I just want to distract myself however I can. Unfortunately no distraction last for ever.

I am not suicidal, I don't really think of it as an option anymore. But I do get depressed about this still and I get frustrate with myself and whoever made me this way for my having to deal with it all. Life is crazy enough, I don't need to add fuel to the fire, but for some reason I do.

I'm not going to throw away all the progress I've made, I just have to vent sometimes. I guess this will be my new sounding board. I am getting better, but it takes time and I really suck at waiting.

Comments

[Judy Fryer]

Oh my oh my.
Here we go again.
I have heard this before but you are letting me know what John was actually talking about.
The bit where you say ,'It hurts so much sometimes though, I don't want to deal with them, I just want to distract myself however I can.'
Oh boy, I have heard that so many times.
I would try to talk to John about what was upsetting him but he didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to forget it.
John, You are so good at describing how you feel.
Thanks mate.
It's worth a million$ to me.
I know I am going to learn a lot from you.
Thank you.