OK, I'm back in the saddle again. It's been a crazy few weeks (no pun intended). I am finally close to caught up at work, so that's something in the positive column. However, my grandfather is having to move into a nursing home, he's sad about that and so am I. Unfortunately it really is the best option for him, his body just doesn't work anymore. a task as simple as changing his clothes takes half an hour. Finally, I've been contemplating chucking the employee lifestyle and striking out on my own.
This last part has really been the sticking point. When you contemplate that kind of life altering course everyone around you immediately thinks, "oh oh mania".
To be perfectly honest I've been afraid that I might be manic too. Perhaps that is why I've hidden from my blog, I'm not sure. Whatever the reason, I am back and I will keep trying to sort out my head in a more public forum.
So, am I manic? I don't think so. I say this for several reasons. First, the thought of going into business for myself scares the crap out of me. If I were manic, I wouldn't be capable of feeling fear. Secondly, I've spent a lot of time designing business models and attempting to project the feasibility of it all. Once again, if I were manic, I wouldn't do this. I'd just jump in head first.
So, is this desire to go into business for myself simply a recurring symptom of my illness? The common BP desire to just change everything around you whenever life gets a little hard? It might be, but I don't think so.
I've been a lawyer for eight years now. I have always worked for someone else. During that time I have learned a lot about the business and how an office should and shouldn't function. I believe I can increase my profitability and the service to my clients if certain changes are made. Including, but not limited to, support staff (secretary),use of technology (try to have a modern practice), and marketing (actually spend some money on it). All three of these areas are matters where I differ from the folks I currently work for.
There's another component to this which makes me think I'm not manic. I'm not trying to run away from my career choice. Truth is, I actually like being a lawyer. The part of the job I hate is not being able to control the workplace or have my office is set up. If I try to make it on my own one of two things will happen: 1) I'll be right, or 2) I'll be wrong.
Either one will ultimately help me to understand what I should do with the rest of my life. If I am right, I will be making a nice living and life will be peachy keen. If I am wrong, I will swallow my pride, go back to work for someone else, and know that I am working in a good system. I'll finally be content and not constantly grumble about how I could do it better if I was given a chance.
Still, all this rational thought (said with tongue firmly planted in cheek) doesn't make the prospect any less scary for my wife or my family. Here I am close to achieving stability and I want to go on and upset the apple cart. I don't think that is what I am doing, but that's the nature of this evil disease, I can never be sure.
Great to have you back.
Your plans sound very interesting and certainly within the realms of possibility.
I think it is very right that you question from where the motivation comes.
Maybe those who love and know you best are the best judges of that aspect.
We know that bipolar can be very convincing.
It can also be very sneaky.
I know that with my son, if he was keen to do something, it was often the case that we found ourselves wanting to say,'hey wait a minute.'
However, we didn't know that he was bipolar and we didn't know the signs of bipolar. However, something often made us wonder where 'it' was all coming from.But we could never quite put our finger on it.
I wish you and yours well as you sift through your thoughts and motives.
It's good to dream and wonder.
Posted by: Judy | December 01, 2004 at 07:11 PM
Dear Friend,
Hope all is well, I check your blog daily and have noticed that you have been quite busy! Must be the holidays-
You and your family are in my prayers-
Struggling to understand,
JDN
Posted by: Jason | December 08, 2004 at 11:05 AM
Thinking of you and yours.
Judy
Posted by: Judy | December 10, 2004 at 07:51 AM