Daily Log 11/17/04

No Daily Log for yesterday, however I am resuming today.  Wednesday is a busy time.  Full day of work followed by a two hour drive to my therapist.  Sounds stupid to go to someone that far away, but he's the only one I've ever trusted enough to be honest with, so I guess I will keep driving.

I am one of the least patient people you will ever meet.  Consequently there very idea of therapy is painful for me.  It's such a gradual process.  Each session I keep hoping to walk out of it a-OK and magically cured.  I don't of course, and I know I am not supposed to, but I still hope.

Things are getting better, but 17 years of ignoring a serious mental condition takes a while to undo.  I figure about the time I am 40 or 45 I should really have a handle on all this.  I say that half sarcastically and half hopefully.  This illness sucks, in fact I've joined a yahoo group called bipolar sucks, and I can't think of a more appropriate comment about the disease (or condition or whatever the hell I should call it).  It's actually a pretty supportive group despite the pessimistic name.

I am hoping to sift through all of the stuff in my head and finally make true connections with everyone in my life.  I think my unexplained mood shifts and really held me back from doing that.  I've always held something in reserve, because I didn't know what state I'd be in tomorrow or if I'd really be in a place to participate fully in any relationship.

Knowing that I haven't ever completely opened up to anyone kills me.  It's not fair to my wife or my kids.  There has always, and still is to a lesser extent, a veneer I place between myself and others.  Don't get me wrong, my wife has seen more of me than anyone else (emotionally, get your minds out of the gutter), but I haven't even allowed her to know all my thoughts, fears, dreams, aspirations or my general mental state.  It's not fair to her or me, and I am trying to stop it, we will have to see if I am successful.  Given enough time, I think I will be.

The most important realization I have come to is that I have to quit trying to "make" happiness.  I need to stop trying to manipulate reality to my preconceived notion of what will make me happy.  Instead, I need to experience life and try to find reasons for being happy from what's going on around me. 

That's some really awkward prose, let me try to rephrase.  Most of my life I have come up with a scenario of what it will take to make me happy.  Whether it be a date, a party or anything else.  I draw up a mental road map of how I want things to play out, and if they don't play out according to script I get disappointed and distressed.

I am trying to stop this.  Sure I will still try to set things up so there is a good chance of something nice happening (light a few candles in the bedroom, get tickets or a show or whatever), but I am trying to stop deciding how things have to play out after the start of the event.  When I go to a concert I want to be happy I got tickets and hope I will enjoy the show, and that's all.  Until now, I'd be happy I got tickets, but I'd have a preconceived notion of how the show should go, what should happen with me and my friends (or my date), and if things didn't play out exactly right, I was devastated.

As you can no doubt surmise, this type of unrealistic expectation setting has caused me to either miss out on some truly wonderful moments in my life, or stopped me from appreciating them once they happened.  So, I guess that has to be a focus area to work on now. 

Comments

[Jason Dean]

Dear Friend,

I must admit that I am now a daily reader of your site. Your sense of humor, strength and intelligence are uplifting. If I may be so bold, what was the turning point that you experienced before you truly accepted having BP ?

My wife and I have a four month old son named Connor and I am wondering if any of your children show any symptoms of BP?

Struggling to understand, Jason Dean

[Judy]

Hey John,
I have been away for a few days up to Nashville with my hubby. He had some recording to do in Franklin and I had fun just hanging out...shopping!
I found myself wondering how you were doing and so looking forward to reading your log when I returned.
You're doing good and I am so happy for you.
I read that you were wondering about buying something for $60. Not sure if I mentioned earlier that I had read Julie Fast's book, 'Caring/Loving someone with Bipolar'. Sorry I can't remember the proper title. It is written especially for couples.I thought it would be very helpful.
Once again, John, your honesty and the way that you are able to write your thoughts and feelings is so valuable.Thank you.

[Judy]

I have found out the proper title for the book I was talking about which I feel may be helpful to you and others.
Author is Julie Fast.
Title is: Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder,Understanding and helping your partner.
Sorry to be so vague in previous post.
May have been something to do with driving 600 miles !
Hope your week-end is good.