BP Type II

Daily Log 10/22/2004

Well it's Friday, although my recent struggles have left me far enough behind that the weekend is likely to be indistinguishable from the week as I've got a lot of work to do. Still (although this may sound repetitive) I'm feeling hopeful, between the drugs and therapy I think I can learn to live with this and hopefully control it.

Looking back, I'm dumbfounded that I functioned this long without my current cocktail of prescription drugs. I'm currently taking the max amount of Wellbutrin (450 mg, anymore and it will apparently throw me into mania), 200 mg of Lamictal and 50 mg of Trazadone. All three have anti-depressant effects, in fact, Wellbutrin and Trazadone are anti-depressants, however, I am only taking Wellbutrin as a classic anti-depressant. The Trazadone I take more as a sleeping pill, it causes extreme drowziness in me (I've read that it can have the opposite effect on some people, luckily I'm not one of them). The Lamictal is an anti-seizure medicine, however, it also works as a mood stabilizer (which, obviously, is why I'm on it).

Daily Log 10/21/2004

Had a really strange experience the other night. My wife was out for the evening (well two and a half hours) and I had a lot to do. I didn't get anything done I was supposed to. That part isn't strange, I'm really good at putting things off. The strange part comes next.

While she was gone I really relaxed, cruised the internet and generally let my mind wonder. When she returned she asked what I'd been doing, that's when I realized how relaxed I had become. I was able to converse with her, but I felt really confused. While I was able to speak in complete sentences I felt that I couldn't finish a complete thought. It was bizarre, the silence in my head was deafening and I felt like I was only able to use a tiny part of my mind compared to what I normally do.

As I slowly came back to reality my wife and I talked about what was happening in my melon. I kept describing the weird sensations and feelings and she came up with a radical explanation. Apparently I was only thinking about one thing at a time, I was actually living in the present moment, and (most disturbingly of all) this is how a normal person thinks.

Daily Log 10/20/2004

I've gotten behind on my posts and I'm now playing catch up. Everything is still going pretty well I think. Every other Wednesday I drive two hours to see my therapist. He's the first mental health pro I've actually trusted, so i think the sessions are going pretty well.

Starting to learn a lot about myself. It seems BP isn't the only issue I have. When my dad walked out before my second birthday that caused a lot of deep cutting issues all on its own and the BP plus my feelings of abandonment have been feeding off each other for at least 17 years or so (time I was diagnosed with BP, my dad left 30 years ago). Anyway, I think I am starting to understand why treatment with anti-depresants alone was so frustrating. It only addressed my lows, it didn't help me to take care of all the crap accumulated in my head over the last 30 years, and it did nothing to stabilize me.

Thoughts on suicide

One of the less pleasant aspects of my BP manifests itself in a fixation on the idea of killing myself. Unfortunately I experience these thoughts in both my depressed and manic states. I've included links to two sites I've found useful to try and shake myself from these thoughts. The first is the best; however it has some cheesy music, so you might want to turn the speakers down before you visit it:

http://www.bipolarworld.net/Suicide/suwallhome.htm
http://www.suicidememorialwall.com/

Most don't think of it, but BP is a disease which has a high mortality rate. Over 15% of us kill ourselves by direct action. This stat doesn't include those who die accidentally or through unhealthy lifestyles brought on by the illness (I self medicated with alcohol for a long time).

Daily Log 10/19/2004

I think I have recovered (mostly) from my all night escapade yesterday. However, the hand tremors are the strongest they have ever been. I bought a bottle of water at the grocery store and had trouble lining up the bills before I handed them to the clerk. Another thing I not experienced before, my forearms are actually a bit sore and tired from the constant shaking.

This may sound weird, but I find the tremors reassuring. It's a constant reminder that there are some powerful chemicals in my system that hopefully will counter act (more likely lessen) my BP systems. I still think I'm on the edge of hypomania, I'm quite irritable. My wife turned the light on in our bedroom this morning without warning and I laid into her for it. Thankfully I realized what I was doing after about 30 seconds, but it still freaks me out.

Am I self involved, or what?

The blog is getting more hits than I expected. So let me apologize for how self indulgent it is. I am using this almost like a diary, but I never write in paper journals, so here it is. Plus I thought it might interest someone to see what BP is like on a daily basis. So if this is just nothing more that narcisitic self reflection, I apologize. However, I think that's what I need right now.

BP has its good moments, but most of the time it sucks. I was chatting with a mental health professional who told me if they had to choose between being BP or schizophrenia they's choose to be schizophrenic. The reasoning being a schizophrenic eventually ends up in their own world, in a sort of self contained existence and has no idea they are sick. A BP on the other hand is always aware and freaked out that their thinking isn't quite right, and they are always having to concentrate on what thoughtsare real and what are chemically driven.

I can't say I disagree with them on that. Once you acknowledge there's something wrong in the brain, it really messes with you.

Daily Log 10/18/04

Wow you have to be careful with this illness. I think I had a brush with mania last night. Had to ge some work done, so I put off the Lamictal/Trazadone combo because it knocks me out. Well, I for some reason kept putting it off even after I finished the work. To make a long story short, I took the pills at 5:45a.m., I was totally wired and fell asleep about 6:20 a.m.

Anyway, I think something bad was about to start, but luckily I am tired today, so I am hoping the Lamictal headed it off at the pass. If I was manic, I wouldn't be tired at all. So I'm actually glad I'm this tired.

Some stuff I've read

There are two books I read that you might find interesting if you are BP or if you know someone who is:

New Hope for People with Bipolar Disorder : Your Friendly, Authoritative Guide to the Latest in Traditional and Complementary Solutions, Including: Pr ... Depression & Manic-Depressive ... (New Hope) By: Jan Fawcett, Bernard Golden, Nancy Rosenfeld, Frederick K. Goodwin

The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide: What You and Your Family Need to Know

Each is filled with a lot of good stats and clinical info about the illness.

WARNING: when I pulled these books links up on Amazon there was a banner add for the new "Paris Hilton Collection." DO NOT click on the link, you're BP, you aren't that crazy, and even if you are that crazy, things can't be bad enough to subject yourself to that.

Daily Log 10/17/04

Sorry no self indulgent thoughts yesterday, but I had a very busy day taking care of preparations for a party held in honor of one of our sons. He's too young to know the party was for him, but he loved it anyway. Things are still going well most of the time, although my obsessive thoughts seem to be poking back into my life a little too much. However, I seem to be getting better at dismissing them.

Had to pick up the new Lamictal prescription today, $223 for one month's worth. This would hurt enough if it wasn't for the $200 worth of Wellbutrin XL and $10 for Trazadone. All in all I am spending about $440 a month in meds, $200 a month in therapy and $100 a month for the monthly visit to my psychiatrist, plus there's the $300 a month for my wife and kids health insurance (I am self employed) and the $50 a month for my doomsday policy (only thing I can get with my BP pre-existing condition) I am spending nearly $1,100 a month on my illness and insurance.

Mourning mania

In speaking with my wife this evening I realized that if my medication actually works I will never experience hypomania again. There are two sides to BP, and if you are one of the people who don't experience psychotic episodes during mania, mania can actually be quite nice.

When I am manic I feel as if everything I know, everything I've ever learned and every single fact, memory or emotion is available for me. Even though I'm not, I feel as if I am the most intelligent person who ever lived. More importantly I don't need sleep, or I only need a very small amount.

In a week I only need to sleep 5-8 hours. This mean I can get by with nearly 50 hours less sleep than normal people. To put that in perspective it means that I get 9 days of living during the time taht others get 7.

Mania actually feels wonderful, that is while your manic. While it feels good, mania also has a dark side, your judgment is impaired, you take risks, and you tend to make financially ruinous decisions. . . .